Here & Now [Quarantine Day 55]

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.” ~ Lewis Carroll.

This lockdown has given us one of the greatest gifts ever. It has given us time. The free time that we never had, that we always wanted, that used to be a precious commodity, is now available in abundance. And what a precious gift it is.

I’ve put the time to good use by holding meetings. With myself. These are long, tough, and daily meetings that would rival any held in a corporate boardroom.

During these meetings, I allow my thoughts to flow, simply letting them come and go, come and go. This goes on for some time and it is not fun initially, lol. There were tears, and pain, and pent-up feelings that came to the surface.

Even though I didn’t want to, I dwelled on some and justified my feelings for others. Try as I might, I couldn’t fast-forward the ones that cause the most hurt and pain.   As much as I wanted to be a “silent spectator” [like expert say we must], I couldn’t. Some days were painful repeats of previous days, other days were no less intense.

My mind was like a piece of driftwood being tossed around by thoughts and emotions that were cresting and crashing and cresting over and over again. Some days I wondered why I was putting myself through this. Some other days I told myself, today would be the last time I did this.

But I stayed on course and soon, just like the waters recede during a low tide, my thoughts too began to slow down – meaning their frequency and intensity lessened.

A shift began to take place and there is now a feeling of lightness within me.

I’m no longer asking “why, what, how” questions of myself.

I’m not analyzing my mistakes and failures anymore.

I’m also not cataloging my hurts or the injustices I faced.

When I tried to create goals and itemize my ambitions, my page remained blank. Not sure what that means yet, lol, cause it’s not like I’m retired or anything.

But, I’ve begun to accept that here and now is all I can control. And that’s quite liberating.

I’m still a work-in-progress and so my meetings with myself continue. And now, it actually feels good.

I’m not fully there yet, but I’m beginning to sense that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, in this moment.

I’ll share more as I begin to gain more insight. But for now, I leave you with this —> Do try this at home. The mind when still raises awareness and provides insights that bring peace and calm within.

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